"I don't love God.
I don't want to love God.
But I want to want to love God."

Some days I realize that I really don't love God very much. Besides my morning Bible reading, most of the time he doesn't even cross my mind until I lay my weary body down to sleep. My mind has been trained to think in "christian" patterns, which result in "christian" actions or non-actions, all seemingly on autopilot. But do these come as a result of loving God? I seriously have my doubts.

Other days I know that I don't even want to love God. My sinful patterns catch up with me and I realize that I haven't truly surrendered. If I really wanted to love God, wouldn't my life display that desire? Wouldn't I be doing things that would bring glory to God? The harsh reality is that I stumble. A lot. And that is when I am convinced that my life doesn't even reflect a desire to love God.

But I know that deep down I do long to want to love God. I want my life to be marked by that passion, that dedication, that whole-hearted pursuit, even though I know that I haven't fully surrendered. I want to want to love God. I know that as I continue to cultivate my heart, continually turning to God for everything, I will one day be able to say that I truly want to love God, and maybe even, years down the road, I will have learned to love God. While I'm not quite there yet, I think that even so, God is honored by my desire and my constant struggle to not give in to complacency. After all, our journey with God is just as important as our destination.