Thursday, October 13, 2005

A Big Mistake

Today has been marked by mistakes. A number of poor choices I've made in the past few months have caught up with me and I have spent the majority of my day asking people for forgiveness and feeling awkward with my life. Ranging from venting to someone who later transmitted my offensive rant to the very person of whom it was about, to having a perpetually messy room, my life seems to be spiraling out of my control.

And I'm tempted to believe that what I should really be doing is apologizing for my life. I'm sorry that I've over-committed myself so as to not have the mental/emotional/spiritual energy to make wiser choices. I'm sorry that I haven't spent time with God to drink in his wisdom. I'm sorry I had to open my big mouth (and fingers) and say things that not only reflected poorly on other people, but made me look like a JERK and an IDIOT. I'm sorry that Erick is in turmoil right now about our relationship because I'm not sure about it. I don't know what I think.

Today should have been a day to spend in bed, staying out of the way and hoping people would forget my existence, and thus, my offending ways. Today is a day to cry out with Job, "I am disgusted with my life. Let me complain freely. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.... If I am guilty, too bad for me. And even if I'm innocent, I am filled with shame and misery so that I can't hold my head high.... Why, then, did you bring me out of my mother's womb? Why didn't you let me die at birth? Then I would have been spared this miserable existence. I would have gone directly from the womb to the grave."

Today is a day that I feel like my life is a mistake.

1 comment:

Amy said...

sounds like a bust of a day. lo siento compa...i hope that you don't feel like this for long. hey, i appreciate you being next to me at the band practice tonight...or, i guess, last night since it's almost 6 in the morning...anyway, i felt at home and comfortable with you there and besides that, it was really nice on my ears to sing next to you :-). hope you don't let all that other junk keep you down. and hey, if you want to spoon, i'm here for you.