the intellect

I like to think that I am an intellectual. I enjoy knowing things and writing as if I know them better than I actually do. I take pleasure in spending long hours between the tall bookcases of the library or in front of a computer screen doing endless research just to answer a simple query which has risen to my conscious mind. But when it comes time to put all this knowledge in a usable form, when the rubber has to meet the road, panicked thoughts of bailing out cross my mind (which really is odd, as I lean towards pragmatism).

However, I like showing off my bluff, puffing myself up as a blowfish while others are around, only to deflate rather rapidly when someone asks a question which pokes beyond my skill. And perhaps it also has to do with the fact that I am a perfectionist and don't like for anyone to see weakness in me. But I am also a woman, and while I am proud of this fact, I also see it as a disadvantage, because women are often viewed (correctly or otherwise) as being weaker. If I can only convince other people that there is much more beneath the surface, then I become desirable as a friend, my insights are appreciated, and I gain a certain status.

What I would rather do and who I would rather become looks more like Dorothy L. Sayers. From her biography by Barbara Reynolds:
"Dorothy L. Sayers regarded the intellect as androgynous--neither male nor female, but human, and she took pleasure in using it, as she did in using her writing skills."

I suppose that means I would actually have to put forth the effort to use my intellect, rather than simply relish the fact that I might have what it takes to be an intellectual. But then I find myself caught up in a rat race, trying to keep up with all the latest thought trends, the books my friends are reading, and current events around the world. And just the thought of that makes me exhausted.

Is there such a thing as a lazy intellectual? Perhaps I could fit into that category...

what susan said

i recently went home.

what a loaded sentence--can you ever return home? where is home, anyway?

this past week i realized that, while i had come to terms and become comfortable with the fact that i had finally moved on with my post-college life, i wasn't quite ready for my family and friends to do so.

thankfully, some things are still the same. i can still get into the movies in joplin for free, which means that thom remains in town. i still stayed out until 2 or 3 a.m., enjoying the company of close friends. my brother and i went to see the newest installment of star wars, as we have five times before. my sister and i, as we often have in the past, went out to eat, watched movies, and talked about how life has turned out differently than we may have expected.

but now my brother has girl friends he spends more time with than his family. my sister is going to get her master's in counseling, at which i know she will excel, but leaves me feeling left behind. my parents are often out traveling, just the two of them, meeting people i will probably never know, unlike when we were growing up and went everywhere together. my friends will soon be moving on with their lives, too, going places and doing things of which i am no longer a part.

so my melancholic temperament came out full force, demanding my complete attention, then leaving me at the bottom of a (figurative) bottle. i then rediscovered an old cd i had, by the poet, rich mullins.

from "what susan said", based on proverbs 27:5-10 & philemon 12
and we both feel lost
but I remember what Susan said
how love is found in the things we've given up
more than in the things that we have kept
and ain't it funny what people say
and ain't it funny what people write
and ain't it funny how it hits you so hard
in the middle of the night
and if your home is just another place where you're a stranger
and far away is just somewhere you've never been
i hope that you'll remember, i was your friend
i hope you'll have the strength to just remember
i'm still your friend

so, while i won't resort to another round of "friends are friends forever", i am grateful for the kindred spirits i have discovered at the intersection of our paths. erin, victor, jonathan, charro, ceri, erica, solomon, thom, pam, kelly--every place i've been is marked by a blessed friendship, someone who has helped me grow and see God in a new light. and although moving on is so extremely difficult for me, i thank God for the pleasantness of my friends, springing from their earnest counsel (prov 27:9).

and while i know life is meant to constantly evolve into something new rather than remain static, i also know that certain things, such as the way thom can get under my skin, will never change. and what a comfort that is.

creativeness

"Man is most god-like and most himself when he is occupied in creation . . . Our worst trouble today is our feeble hold on creation."
~Dorothy L. Sayers

Sayers went on to say that "we are never so truly ourselves as when we are actively creating something." How often do we see people leading lives of quiet desperation, stuck in jobs, relationships and couch potato activities, none of which have a creative outlet? How often does a "good job" seem to be wonderful at first, but then as the monotony of pushing papers and dealing with cranky customers and coworkers sinks in, the silver lining falls off, and our job becomes hellish?

It is in creating things that we find our sanity, because this is how we were programmed. Couples find fulfillment in creating a family; engineers, in designing structures and machines; intellectuals, in pioneering new ways and patterns of thinking; artists, in shaping new expressions of their souls.

Oh, that my life never be empty of creative power in expression . . .

summer reading

One of my friends recently asked me which books I have on my summer reading list. I then had an epiphany--a summer reading list!! (Thanks Mr. Anonymous)

Currently, I'm working on these:

• Dorothy L. Sayers: Her Life and Soul by Barbara Reynolds; an excellent, well-rounded biography about one of the best women thinkers of the twentieth century
  
• Sex, God & Marriage by Johann Christoph Arnold; a book put out by Plough Publishing House, which I got on sale from CBD. Some chapters are really good, others are so-so in my view, perhaps because most of it doesn't apply to me. But a good overall consideration of the subject.
  
• The Next Christendom by Philip Jenkins; just finished the first chapter, but love the global and historical scope he presents of Christianity

As I seem to be addicted to buying whatever I find on sale at CBD, I'm making an effort to read the books I already have own. And then I will reward myself by buying a new book (or multiples thereof). Those marked with * are ones which already reside in my library.

Projected Summer Reading List:

• Letters to a Diminished Church: Passionate Arguments for the Relevance of Christian Doctrine* by Dorothy L. Sayers
  
• The remaining 7 Lord Peter Wimsey detective novels by Dorothy Sayers; recently finished Murder Must Advertise* in this series--it is one of the most clever books I have ever read. "Two thumbs up!" Heck, "Fifteen Thumbs up!" yeah, it really was that good.
  
• Sexual Ethics* by Stanley Grenz
  
• Anything I have left to read from Philip Yancey, which is not much . . . now, in true stalker mode, I'll have to track down all the essays he's ever written for Christianity Today
  
• The Problem of Pain* by C. S. Lewis; hopefully with a book club we are working on starting here in California

I suppose I could list out every book I own which I haven't read yet, but at the risk of boring the reader, I will desist. But I do have a request: any suggestions? glaring omissions?