From my last post, and the length of time I let go between posts, I may have given the impression that the way I've dealt with those mistakes was by jumping off a bridge. Not so. I am alive and kicking, and still thinking, although much busier. All that to say...
I've been reading A Long Obedience in the Same Direction, by Eugene Peterson. Here is one of the passages that has moved me.
There is nothing I am less good at than love. I am far better in competition than in love. I am far better at responding to my instincts and ambitions to get ahead and make my mark than I am at figuring out how to love another. I am schooled and trained in acquisitive skills, in getting my own way. And yet I decide, every day, to set aside what I can do best and attempt what I do very clumsily--open myself to the frustrations and failures of loving, daring to believe that failing in love is better than succeeding in pride.
These words spoke to my heart, because I am not good at loving. And yet, since I fear failing, I am often tempted to give up. When I do, my pride rises up and escorts me into a familiar place of selfish loneliness, whispering in my ear its poisonous words about my worth. Why do I not realize that true failure is found in giving up? How can I convince myself that to be in motion for God, no matter what the visible outcome, will bring about greater joy and success than I could ever imagine?